First Visit To China: Day 2

2009.November.28.Sat

I was sitting at the breakfast table with more confidence. The grandfather turned to me and started talking. Lin translated that he said he thought I was a funny man. He said she really enjoyed my donkey story. (Is he even deaf? I’ve heard of these people who pretend they are deaf so thet can have better fun during the day.)

We were packed up and ready to hit the road for the city. The grandfather was in the bedroom. He can’t handle goodbyes.

We left the road and headed off. I asked Lin if we were in the city yet. She assured me we were in the countryside. There was no country to be seen anywhere. Everywhere was houses, shops, factories and more of the same. There was an odd hill every so often that had few buildings on it but very different to the countryside I was acquainted with.

The traffic was mad still. Lin’s father seemed to beep his horn every 7 or 8 seconds. Lin explained that all sense of politeness is left at the entrance of the car door. Her father was not aggressive however. Not at all.

After an hour we reached the city. It was as Lin explained, just like London rush hour. The traffic was more hectic. The vehicles were more improvised.

We stopped off to get some curtains for our home in London. It was damn cold outside. The shop was in a building which reminded me of an indoor market in north England. Bit like one of the ones I used to stiltwalk in as a student.

I noticed that every so often someone would stare at me. A couple of kids I passed looked totally amazed. I started greeted them after a while. This reminded me more of my stiltwalking times in the indoor markets…

We headed off for some restaurant. Into the building and then into a private dining room. There were a whole bunch of people there. I turned to Lin and smiled wondering “Who are all these people?” Lin introduced me to her Dad’s colleague, her dad’s 6th cousin and both their wives and children, a boy and girl.

I was told to sit on Lin’s father’s right hand side. Lin sat on my right. Then one of the children, followed by a wife, Lin’s mother at the other end of the table, the other wife, the other child leaving 2 empty seats which the two men began to fight over.

“You sit there!” “No, YOU sit there!” “Don’t be stupid, YOU sit there!” Lin explained to me that it’s more of an honour to sit closer to the host. They were fighting over who deserved the honour more, each agreeing that the other was more worthy. In the end it was the colleague who lost out in the argument and was deemed the more worthy of the seat.

A large metal bowl containing some stock, a teabag of chinese medicine and entire duck smashed into pieces was placed in front of the host on a hot plate embedded in the table. After some talking Lin’s father took my bowl and filled it with this duck soup and then proceeded to fill everyone else’s going around the table counter-clockwise ending with the colleague.

I noticed Lin lift coriander from a small bowl with the broad end of her chopsticks, and I copied her. Her father’s guests both agreed that I was very capable of using chopsticks.

We all tucked into our soup. It was amazing. All the meals I had had so far in China were. Towards the end of the soup, which was in fact more duck than soup, another large bowl of stock was poured into the cooking pot on the table. then a whole bunch of vegetables was thrown in by the waiters. Lin explained that the duck soup was just the starter. Oh Jesus!

There was some discussion and then Lin’s father and his colleague got up and walked to the opposite end of the table and some of the others came down to my end. Lin explained that they were going to be eating lamb – neither Lin nor I eat mammals. I acknowledged to myself how the seating fight only seems to happen once in a meal.

We all finished up and headed back to Lin’s parents flat where we had tea. I was asked to get the guitar out and we then proceded to play songs. Lin’s mother had bought a Chinese songbook with the guitar so I was able to play a few Chinese songs. Then Lin did some talking and announced to me that we were going to bed for a couple of hours.

When we woke up we had some more food and then Lin’s mother drove us down for us to pick our wedding rings. Traffic was mental of course. Lin’s mother seems to have only slightly better sense of direction to Lin so it took us a while getting there. What? What? I ain’t marrying Lin for her sense of direction. Don’t tell me that you think I’m being horribly unreasonable! WHATEVER!

We entered a shop which seemed just like a John Lewis. Even the perfume counter was the first thing we had to hold our breath as we walked by. (Why the hell aren’t these things at the back of the shop?) I closed my mouth to stop the scent from rotting my teeth.

The first jewellery stall greeted us warmly. We were only looking at the rings about 2 minutes when 3 cups of water were brought out. We tried a few rings on. Lin wasn’t feeling too good about hers and mine didn’t fit me very well. Too big. We moved on.

The second stall was even more professional: Cups AND chairs. Lin tried on a couple of rings. She liked hers more now. The ladies took one look at my finger and took out one that fitted me perfectly. They gave us the price. I explained to Lin that if there was nothing much in the price difference I’d prefer to get the rings in China. As it turned out they were about 100 pounds or so cheaper. The ladies explained that they can arrange for free engraving also. We agreed to get them the next day.

We headed out into the free-for-all that was the traffic experience. “Why free-for-all?” Lin asked. “Well if you imagine what it’d be like if there was a shop offering free for all… Well that’s what the traffic situation is like here. A free-for-all.” It’s an expression my mother uses a lot. I think she’d use it in this situation also.

We arrived at our next port of call: the foot massage parlour. Looked seedy enough. Some young men came out from a dark room all staring at me and listening to Lin’s mothers demands with their mouths open. We were brought into a room with three reclined chairs.

We were told to sit and put our feet in some buckets of water. Really hot it was. I mean really hot. After about 2 bowls of hot water both of us gave up and I popped my feet him screaming quietly.

They massaged our shoulders firstly starting quite firmly, ending up more agressively. I could hear my guy gather up all his strength and put his full pressure and some more into 2 spots above my shoulder blades. After what seemed like an eternity we were told to sit back.

Lin and her mother got their feet massaged immediately. I looked down and my guy had a cut-throat razorblade out – just like the ones they use in the wild west movies: Long and flat like a butterknife but sharp enough to cut the balls off a bull. Oh Jesus! My guy grabbed my feet and started shaving the dead skin off my heels -I suffer from this at winter time and in cold places. *Scrape!* *Scrape!* *Scrape!* Oh Jesus!

“Lin! What the hell is going on?” “Relax baby. He’s just taking the dead skin off your feet.” “He’s shaving my bloody feet! SHAVING them! In front of yer ma!” “Relax baby, they’ll be nice and smooth later.” Oh Jesus!

Lin’s got a great way of calming me so I just settled down and let my guy shave my feet. (Oh Jesus!)

My guy asked me through Lin’s translations what way my nails grew. I made a shape with my hands informing him that I do in fact suffer from ingrowing toenails. He then pulled out more tools and at this stage I gave up looking. Reminded me of the guy who used to come around to cut the toenails off our donkey. We used to pay him with bottles of whiskey and fivers. I was at least confident that my guy wasn’t as hammered as the donkeyman.

When he eventually started massaging my feet I was well behind the schedule and within about 3 minutes it felt like he was trying hard to catch up. I looled to Lin in the neighbouring chair all beautifully reclined and serene. “Ahh!” she oozed. “Is that nice?” “Yeah” “Is it painful.” “Of course!” “What the hell are we all getting this done for then?” “It’ll be nice afterwards.” “Aye right.”

After another enternity we all changed feet and the pain followed on the next foot. This lasted for another eternity Lin’s guy told Lin she needs to put on more weight. I asked my guy what is wrong with me. Lin told me that he said that my digestive system is causing me some problems. True. But I am like this when I fly into any new foreign country.

We finished up and went home to bed. I don’t know what I was more happy about: the rings being sorted of my feet being fully intact after a shaving and a right proper pummelling. I looked at my feet. They were lovely looking. No long toenails and beautifully shaved. Oh Jesus!

My First Day In China

2009.November.27.Friday

Breakfast

As soon as I woke up I consulted my book of learning Chinese and started into it. Lin helped me in between her giggling of my pronouncination. Within about 10 minutes I had discovered the word for penis by trying to saying something totally different. After about an hour’s worth of learning Chinese I got up, had a shower, got dressed and headed downstairs.

I walked into the dining room which had all the relatives standing around waiting to see what way the arses would fall on the seats. I thought it’d be best to wait to be told where my arse ought to land. Eventually I was pointed a chair and everyone quickly followed synchroniously around me in both directions.

A bunch of food lay in different bowls in the middle of the table: shrimps; peanuts; more peanuts but with vegetables; hard-boiled eggs cut in half with their shells still on; a plate with two crabs from the previous night.

Each person had a set of chopsticks. I was looking for my non-existing plate to eat from. The grandmother arrived in with some bowls of “porridge” which looked more like custard except more watery. Still no plates, and now no spoons to go with the porridge.

Everyone told me to eat. I looked around and people were lifting the porridge bowls up to their mouths and slurping it down, and I mean slurping audibly. I mucked in by lifting my bowl of yellowy, custardy-but-not-custard porridge and sipped some down.

“Take a shrimp!” The grandmother was holding the bowl of shrimps out in front of me. At this point I was thinking that this would be one of my defining moments in our relationship. I’ve got no plate and no napkin and cannot refuse this woman or she’ll think that this ghost is not suitable for her granddaughter. I reached out with my chopsticks and picked one out and sat there feeling a bit useless. Lin said that the skin is crunchy and can be ate. I looked up and saw my future grandmother-in-law bite the head of the shrimp and munch it down. Oh Jesus! Lin offered to skin the prawn for me. “Yes please!” I sipped more soup. “My grandmother thinks you don’t like the porridge. Slurp louder!” *Slurp!* “Ahhh!” *Sluuuuurrrpppp!* “Ahhhh! Hey I can get used to this!” “Don’t!” Lin warned me.

Lin handed me my prawn and we were off. Still no plates. People were using tissues however I grabbed two and used one as a plate and one as a napkin.

Lin had told them in advance that I like steamed buns and dumplings. Out they came. Plate after plate. “Hod chuh!” I told them when I munched into my steamed bun. This means “Tastes good.” They all seemed delighted both at my pleasure of the food and my attempts at the Chinese language.

The grandmother offered me a crab. I refused due to my crab allergy. Lin translated. They all sighed a sorry sigh of misbelief and pity with headshakes. Lin grabbed one, the grandfather grabbed the other.

Lin’s grandfather is a slow moving serene man. He says little but takes everything in. Lin explained to me that he is mostly deaf and doesn’t wear hearing aids as they make his ears itchy. Even the newer ones. And the most comfortable ones. It seems the more they buy the more determined he is to not wear them. He sat there all during this meal taking everything in in his quiet way.

“No!! No!! Put you that back!!” Everyone started yelling at him. Lin explained that crabs are high in cholesterol and he has to watch his health. After much persuasion the crab was grabbed off him and Lin’s mother started eating it.

The grandfather said something and everyone burst out laughing. Lin translated, “You tell me not to eat it and then you sit there in front of me and you eat it.” He sat staring at the mother eating her crab, and then Lin and then the mother. “He’s like the dog” Lin explained.

The mother offered him some legs and the grandfather sat unmoved and said something else. More laughter. Lin translated, “You eat the good bits and offer me the rubbish.”

The mother gave the large shell to the grandfather. He then said something else. More laughter. “You eat it all and then give me the scraps.” He ate it anyway.

We finished up. Some talking was done. Lin then told me we were going back to bed. Fair enough.

Afternoon

We woke up and were greeted by Lin’s mother’s 2nd cousin. Lin explained that we had just missed the woman’s daughter who wanted to see the real-life ghost. (A ghost is what the Chinese call westerners.) We had tea which was a series of unending little cups of tea. I was asked to play a few songs on the guitar. I did. We felt sleepy again after a couple of hours. Back to bed.

Evening

We woke up and were greeted by Lin’s mother’s colleagues. Both were lecturers. One in journalism and he had excellent english. I started a conversation with him. It turns out he is a blogger and nothing is out of limits for him. He blogs about work, family life, politics. What else is there? I am so amazed by his excellence in english that I forget to ask him all the other questions I had half prepared for a conversation like this. He and his colleague explained that Lin is very important to them and her happiness is very important. I assured them that I agreed and ensured that Lin’s mother understood this also.

The guitar is asked for and we start singing Country Roads which he used to sing back in the 80s. (Why is Country Roads such a popular song? It’s one of the favourites in Austria also.) They headed off to work and we head off to the dinner table.

After dinner the 2nd cousin arrives back with her daughter who is really amazed by my ghostly appearance. Turns out she’s never seen a real westerner before.

Lin’s father arrives back from a business dinner. Out comes the camera and we proceed to take photos of everyone in all the different various combinations culminating in a timed photo with Lin’s camera on the sofa and he running to join us.

The girl was really well out of her shell at this stage. I played with her a game of spelling. I’d read something from my book and she’d break it down in the phonetics. Then I played some mathematics games with her. She was rather great at that but wasn’t quite able to carry over correctly so she struggled with 145 + 156 = ?

The guitar comes out again and Lin and I sing a few songs. I ask for the little girl to give us a song. She sings Twinkle Twinkle and I am able to join her. I then ask Lin’s mother to sing a song. She does along with Lin. Lin’s father joins in. Then a whole bunch of Chinese songs come out. I’m happy to hear these songs. Lin then starts to sing a song for her mother and can’t seem to get by the first 2 lines as she starts crying. They hug each other. I still don’t know what that was about exactly. I think it was a song from her childhood though and how great mothers are.

It was pretty late when the 2nd cousin left with her daughter. We all sat around and had more unending cups of little tea. Through Lin’s translation the grandfather asked me if I thought he was a good man. I said that he was except that he likes crab too much. Everyone laughed. He asked me if Ireland was a communist country. I said no. He said, “Oh! I am disappointed.” (Lin had explained to me that he is an old-school patriot.) He looked sad and I don’t think he ever got over that for the rest of the evening. He did work out though that Ireland was the victim over several english invasions and he seemed quite happier with that news.

Everyone started asking me more questions about my family. I am one of 5 children. My father is one of 11 – they were particularly amazed with this. I explained also that in 1980 I got a cat, a donkey and a sister. They all laughed. I went on to say that the cat and the donkey are dead but the sister is doing well. More laughter. The mother said that she hopes I look after Lin. I assured her that I would look after her better than the donkey. More laughter.

We had a good conversation that night. I advanced well in my grasp of Mandarin. I apologised that my ability to caonverse with them was minimal and said that in 5 years we would be having full conversations. Everyone explained that they all want the best for Lin. I explained that I do too. We were all very, very happy.

Meeting My Family-In-Law In China

2009.November.26.Thursday

We touched down in Jinan and people started gathering up their bits and bobs. I sat in my seat patiently. Suddenly from above my head a gentleman burped loudly allowing all the juicy burp particles to land heavily upon my meek self and poking-out lower lip. I turned to Lin with large sad eyes and said, “Welcome to China!” She burst out laughing. I asked if that is normal. She assured me that no this was not normal and we would soon be returning back to normality.

We gathered up our bits and bobs and made our way to the luggage carousel. As we arrived in the bagge reclaim area I saw all the Chinese folks waiting impatiently to greet their loved ones. I suddenly felt very nervous. Lin’s parents would be in that crowd and there’d be no Skype to protect me this time. As we passed the crowd I recognised at the end of the line Lin’s mum behind some protective glass, with her dad alongside her. Lin hadn’t seen them yet. I was surprised I recognised them so easily. I don’t think I have the ability to put into words how strange I felt at this point. All sorts of things were running through my head: first time in China; engaged to a Chinese girl; unable to speak Chinese; first time meeting Chinese parents – outside of the internet; they don’t speak english; they live here; we live there… the list goes on.”There’s yer ma and yer da!” I told Lin in my best english.

We all waved and smiled simultaneously. Lin and I made our way to the carousel. Lin asked if we could go over nad say hi. I was so nervous. I thought I’d better not go over there, say hi from behind some glass and then come back for the luggage which may or may not be there at that time. “Why don’t you go see your parents and I’ll get the bags?” Lin headed off and I waited patiently. Nervously.

Our bags were among the first to come out. I looked over at Lin, she was on the phone facing her parents. I picked up the bags. When I had the second one she was standing beside me smiling. “Were you on the phone to your parents?” “No I was speaking with my grandparents.” No going back now Cormac I reminded myself. Not that I wanted to. Here goes.

Lin’s parents greeted me very warmly. Lin did some very quick translations and I shook their hands saying “Ni hao!” That was about all the Chinese I could muster. We made our way towards the car. I pushed the trolly with Lin’s father holding the bags in place. It really wasn’t necessary for him to do that but I could tell that he was keen to show that he was out to help. I felt reassured. Lin’s mum and Lin walked at their own pace whilst I was trying hard to keep up with her dad. He kept saying directions to me with rotating hand signals to inform me exactly what he was onning about. It was bloody cold. We were at the car in no time. A Ford.

I pulled the bags off the trolley whilst he opened the boot. I saw an brand new acoustic guitar in a box lying there. Oh wow! Lin explained that they had bought it for me. I thanked them warmly, “Xiexie!” Into the car and then on the road.

Lin explained that we were going to a restaurant to celebrate her mum’s birthday. Oh yeah! That’s why we were going over there in the first place – amongst introducing myself to my new family-in-law. All the nervous excitement had made me forget all about the specialness of the day. The jetlag didn’t help either I suppose. I pulled out my Chinese book which I bought at Heathrow airport and wished her mum a happy birthday. She thanked me warmly.

I kept reading through the book. I came across a page which was dedicated to shopping:
“Duoshao qian.” - How much is that?
“Tài guì le”  - That’s too expensive.
I explained that this would be all the Chinese I would require. Lin translated and her parents laughed. I read more through the book and started learning quickly: don’t eat all at once and then stop – this is seen as rude; stop eating slowly; don’t worry about people keeping asking you to eat, they are being welcoming, not pushy; ignore burps and slurps. Ahaa!

I quickly recognised that there was a difference in style between driving in the UK and driving in China. Her father seemed to be beeping the horn at every other overtaking manoeuvre. Other cars were beeping their horn at him. upon quick inspection I noticed that her father wasn’t bothered at any of this horn-beeping. Cars were overtaking left, right and centre. Motorbikes were flying all over the place. Bicycles were weaving inbetween all of this. Crazy place.

A young man in a uniform saluted our car at the entrance to the driveway to the restaurant. When I asked Lin what that was all about she explained that it made the restuarant look posh. Really? OK. A smiling woman in a heavy coat opened the door and greeted me. Lin got out with her mum who grabbed the guitar from the boot. Her father headed off to get the grandparents. All three of us walked into the restaurant.

A vision of amazement. Tropical interior albeit quite freezing. It was only a few degrees warmer than it was outside. We walked for a good few minutes before we were at the room where we would be dining. It was much warmer in there. We left the guitar there and made our way to the food hall to order.

I wasn’t quite expecting the food hall to be what it was. Fully alive shrimp, lobsters, crabs all running about in their special tanks. Lin’s mum kept asking me what I wanted. I asked Lin to look after my order as I was all a bit overwhelmed. I just walked about taking everything in. There were things I’d never seen before. Vegetables and fruit I didn’t recognise. Even some underwater animals that looked like large penii, all wriggling and with no apparent eyes. We went back to the dining room.

In no time Lin’s father had arrived back with Lin’s mother’s parents and the grandfather’s sister. Lin warned me that her grandfather gets emotional and cries every day. We all greeted each other. No tears from the grandfather. Lin’s grandmother gave Lin a hug and then grabbed her hand. Then she curiously turned Lin’s arm over and then took a mock bite out of her wrist. We all laughed and then sat.

Lin’s father sat on his right and I sat on his left upon his command. (He seemed to be calling me Heylong – I wanted to tell him, actually my name is Cormac but I thought I’d be better leaving it for a while for now.) Lin sat beside me. I sat patiently looking to see what the order of service was going to be. Everyone seemed to wash their hands with a warm wet towel so I followed.

The drinks were poured. Lin’s father had a small glass filled to the brim with wine. A few others took a tiny amount of wine. Everyone else including Lin and I took tea. Her father stood up and lifted his wine glass, turned to me and started speaking. “He says that he is very happy to meet you.” Then we clicked drinks. I smiled and said I was happy to meet him and the rest of the family.

The food came in. I was waiting for the big plates to arrive but they never came. Everyone started taking the food from the central rotating table and popping them into the bowl. I’d been using chopsticks for about 10 years now so I was OK with them. Lin’s family said how well I was doing with them. Everyone kept saying warm things to me.

In the middle of the dinner all the waitresses came in and sang happy birthday in the usual melody in Chinese and then in English. They substitued the person’s name for “Happy birthday.” Very clever!

After they left Lin laughed and pointed out her grandfather saying “Look he’s crying.” Then everyone else started laughing. Then everyone else started crying, except Lin’s father, myself and Lin who got up and kissed all the relatives who were crying on both cheeks beginning with her grandfather. She went to sit down and I said “What about your father?” “He’s not crying!” “Kiss him anyway!” She kissed him and then sat down again and we all started talking and laughing again. That was a really lovely moment I thought amongst the many thoughts whirling around in my brain.

After a while Lin’s father stopped eating, stood up and raised his glass again. Lin explained that he would like to welcome me to China and hopes that I have a good time here. We clicked drinks and nodded smilingly. I asked Lin if it would be appropriate for me to make a toast. She agreed it would. I let everyone eat for a bit and then stood up. Everyone looked at me and I said that I would like to thank everyone for their warm welcome to China. I very much look forward to me time here. Everyone smiled and thanked me. Then we all clicked our drinks.

We finished eating and Lin’s father gathered up the grandparents and grandaunt and drove them back home. Lin’s mother requested I play a song on the guitar. As usual I didn’t know what to play so I played All The World Is Green and Edelweiss. Why not. We then went back to the house and I played a few songs getting Lin to sing as much as possible. She sang Edelweiss and The Way You Look Tonight. Everyone seemed really happy to hear make music.

We then went to bed. Lin explained that in China when you get engaged you get a certificate and that means that you are legally allowed to live together. We shared the same bedroom. We slept very well. The jetlag helped.

Ireland – The Good Part Of England

Been a bit busy of late with work. Met my future parents-in-law again on Skype today. My future father-in-law was explaining to my wife-to-be that he was speaking with a friend.
The friend: “How’s your daughter getting on? Where is she?”
The future father-in-law: “Oh aye she’s getting on great like. She’s over in England.”
The friend: “England! Very good! And has she got a boyfriend or anything?”
The future father-in-law: “Aye she has. Actually she’s engaged to be married.”
The friend: “Married? That’s great news! And is he husband-to-be from England.”
The future father-in-law: “He is aye.”
The friend: “Very good! Very good! Where in England is he from?”
The future father-in-law: “He’s from Ireland.”
The friend: “Ireland! Great! I have heard that it’s a good part of England.”

When Lin explained this to me she explained that in China they all call UK and Ireland “England.” I explained that this should be corrected. She explained that I shouldn’t worry about these little things.

They requested we play them a song so we played a simple waltz by Offenbach on violin and guitar. They were very impressed and happy to hear it.

Family Reunion

Family Reunion

Originally uploaded by Cormac Heron

Had a family reunion recently on my mother’s side. She’s only one of five and one of those was a priest. God help us when we have a get together on my father’s side. He’s one of eleven!

Happy Easter!

Lent is over so we can all eat chocolate like a right old bunch of sinners.  Going from 5 cups of coffee down to none my kidneys started to hurt so I went back onto one cup a day. Now I am just on the tea. I went back on the chocolate soon after the beginning of Lent as it`s just too damn nice. TV I managed to stay off for the whole of Lent except for the last week when I went on a family holiday.  It doesn`t help that my cousin is Orla Chennaoui, a reporter for Sky News. Still, today I will return to London and I think I will stay off TV except for the Formula 1 races. Looks like Ferrari will take this tournament away with themselves though with the pace Raikkonen showed in Malaysia this morning.